~ exhaling like crazy ~ if I don't watch it I will hyperventilate :)

This "Tag" is the work of our wonderful Donna at D's Designs  :)

Feeling kind of down and wornout at the moment, emotionally and mentally.  Mainly because it took a lot for me to write what I did in my previous entry, believe it or not.  I share things with you all, yes... but it doesn't mean that with certain things I talk about/discuss with you, that they don't come with a price for me.  That being, in general I'm a very quiet person, I tend to hold things to myself, my heart and in my own mind far more than is really healthy.  I meant what I said about not minding whatever someone might respond with, because I am who I am. I am proud of ME.  It still doesn't mean that the "little girl" inside of me doesn't hope that people won't trash her for speaking and sharing what is on her mind & in her head or in her heart. 

I never, ever, REALLY had a childhood.  I wasn't given the chance nor the opportunity.  My mother was married for the 4th time by the time I was 6 years old and she always married the same kind of man. Lechers (sp?), abusers and some things I might not ever go into detail about here.  Let's just say - I knew things at 6 years old a 6 year old girl child should never know till she is at least in her 20's.  I have very, very few memories (happy one's) of my childhood. The rest of the spots are either very sketchy or they are consumed with those little black holes that my PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) & depression leaves.  To give you an example..have you ever taken a piece of thin cloth, cotton or silk or somesuch...and sprinkled tiny fire embers across it...those little holes that burn through the material without consuming the whole thing? Over a period of time there are lots of little tiny holes that fill up the material.  Those little spots are like my memories...I have lots of little tiny (and some not so tiny) holes everywhere in my mind.  I DO remember being at my mother's 4th wedding and me wearing this little dress with a white top & bright yellow skirt with daisies around the waist...thinking to myself and KNOWING that I would never be married to a male & that I would never bear children.  Odd isn't it?  knowing that at 6 years old with such certainty?  I hated that man with a passion, I don't now because I realize it's just a waste of energy, but then and for many, many years after my mother FINALLY divorced the bastard, I hated him with a singular, unwavering hatred.  Take my word for this, he was a very BAD man.

Now, I haven't spoken physically with my mother in over 10 years.  I haven't seen her in even longer a time.  I DO maintain a email correspondence with her & that is only for necessity...for many years she didn't know where I was, no nothing because I didn't wish for her to know, she didn't even know if I were dead or alive.  I disappeared completely, absolutely.  I don't know where she lives other than the general area and I don't want to know, I don't know her address, I don't know her phone number.  Don't want to know.  Over the years there has been some semblence of healing within myself when it comes to my mother, but not enough to wish to encourage a further relationship than what there is right now. One day maybe, now? no way in hell.  The thing is I'm trying, She is trying - it might even heal enough to allow for a physical meeting or even a phone call.  Does that make me a bad daughter? no, it doesn't because no one knows what happened to me growing up & I don't think she will ever be able to get to the point within her own mind of accepting the responsibility of what happened.  It's beyond her. She's a good woman overall, she just wasn't a good mother to me.  She didn't save me when it was her job as a mother TO save me. period.

I have a headache from hell this afternoon - I think it's the barometric pressure because it's going to rain, that's causing it.  Draco and Lares are in big trouble when Cindy get's home.  I just have to remind her...Baby, they are just puppies...they will be 12 weeks old tomorrow.

So without much further Ado.. I am departing the journal world for the day... I bid you all a fond adeiu...

Sexuality - mine ~ a response I shared in ref to her question.

A response to a question a friend wrote/asked me about my sexuality has me pondering things, not questioning MYSELF, but wondering what all of you who are not gay/lesbian think about the gay/lesbian issue (to me it's not a issue, it simply just IS) - do you ever ask yourselves or wonder about my being lesbian? why I am? etc.?

So, I thought, I would share with all of you my response to her... I am omitting her name because this is a private thing between She and I... so I am writing the response I gave her minus the name.  It could have been to anyone that asked me the same...so ponder as you will, you will either understand my thoughts and feelings or you won't.  I don't particularly care if you agree or not, because this is MY world, not anyone else's.  Also, this is merely MY opinion, not anyone else's - it is MY experience, no one else's... there are some cases where in my life I haven't done things that I have been proud of, but then we all have at one time or another. 

No, I don't mind you asking any of these questions   not at all - I'm very happy with who I am and I'm not afraid or ashamed of it, I've just learned over the years that sometimes it is wiser to not tell people that I am because there are some truly mean, wicked, evil, hateful people out there in the world that would not hesitate to physically, mentally & emotionally attempt to harm me; some have even accomplished these things at one time or other.  Being careful does not equate to cowardice or shame.

I've always known I was different, it wasn't until I was older that I realized the term for what I am is "lesbian" - when I was in 2nd grade I had my first fully crush on another little girl, her name was Adrianna - amazing that I remember that lol.  All through school I had major crushes, some even on teachers etc.  It's funny tho because it never seemed that I developed a crush on a Physical Ed teacher, which seems to be the norm for most lesbians it seems (laughing) in fact I seemed to always desprise my P.E. teacher... some of that had to do with the fact that I wasn't athletic at all and had no desire to be so.  Cindy?  She loved her PE Teacher's... but then, she's a tomboy and what the lesbian world calls "butch".  We had two vastly different childhood's and adulthood's.  She fell in with the norm of what being "lesbian" was... I didn't, I've always been feminine and the fact is I don't LOOK like a regular lesbian... I look like a straight woman (or as society perceives as being straight - even the gay/lesbian culture)  Cindy?  she fit's the gay/lesbian look.  I've always been on the outside looking in it seems on both merits - the straight world, because I wasn't straight yet was perceived as such and the gay/lesbian one because I didn't fit in with what they thought I should look like...i.e. I wasn't a tomboy, I didn't have the "lesbian" hair style, I didn't dress like the majority does, I wear makeup etc. Even when I went into gay/lesbian bars, the lesbians there (not all, but most) thought I was bisexual or I was confused and just looking for a one night stand etc.  I wasn't truly a lesbian because I didn't fit into the mold they tried to fit me into... yet despite the peer pressure within the gay/lesbian community to turn myself into what THEY thought was what I should look like, I stayed true to myself.  I am me and that's all I can be.  I love women, any kind of woman - doesn't matter to me.  My preference as to the type of woman I am attracted to?  well, that would be predominately butch...or the tomboy style, though I have had feminine women as lovers.  I just prefer butch women.  Now, when I use the term "lovers" as in plural sense... I don't mean I've had huge amounts of lovers - in fact you could fit the amount of women I've slept with on my two hands.  I'm very monogamous...I am NOT polyamorous  (meaning having more than one sexual relationship going on at one time)(I made the mistake of this once before in my life & it was the last *of having more than one lover*).  It's just not in my make up. 

As far as your feelings yourself?  In my opinion?  Homosexuality is as normal as Heterosexuality is... after all, The Higher Power has made us all, right? and The Higher Power doesn't make mistakes.  I'm not a mistake by any means.  We ALL are created with that in our genetic makeup, but over time, it was taught BY man, by word's written BY man... that itwas wrong.  Your attraction at times through your life is normal... not wrong or sick or abhorrent.  It's only abhorrent to those that have no true idea as to what humanity is... hmmmmmm ok, I'm writing something I found that explains it very well I think... it's not by any means the only thing I've found that attempts to explain the role of homosexuality vs. heterosexuality....it merely makes a lot of sense to me.  Without all the religious posturing..,.you know?  here goes...

 

...in all the world, there are more creatures than just man that make lifetime matings.  Among them, some of the noblest - Wolves, Swans, Geese, the Great Raptors, all creatures man could do worse than emulate, in many, many ways. And with all of them, ALL, there are those pairings, from time to time, within the same gender. Not often, but not unheard of either. 

There is in most of us a fear, a shame placed there by our own doubts and the thoughts of those that know NO better - I tell you to think on this - The same sex pairings occur IN NATURE, how then is it "unnatural" ? Usual ? no; and not desiring of the species (humankind or any other) or else it die out from lack of offspring, but not UNNATURAL.  The beasts of the field are as innocent as humankind will never be - who has the knowledge of good and evil and the choice between & they do NOT cast out of their ranks those that are different for there is NO shame in loving...

 

That's just a short version of it... yet, doesn't it make sense?  take all the religious dogma etc. out of the fact that same sex pairings are a part of nature and are normal within many cultures in this world - the Christian world does not have the only knowledge or the only right to perceive what "wrong" is... there are many civilizations/cultures in this world that are FAR older than Christianity that accept same sex pairings or those that are born different.   Love is just that, love...physical love, emotional love, mental love... when you LOVE, it is not wrong.  If the desire is there to be with someone of the same sex even if it isn't your "norm" is not wrong, if it were not normal or a part of life...it would not be, it would be aberrant within nature as without.  There are no prejudices when it comes to love in the Creator's eyes.  They would MUCH rather have us love... and NOT hate or judge one another.

In other words, ...it IS natural - as natural as it is to breathe...

 

If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask - and let me know what you think of my answers to your questions.  I want to know what YOU think about what I've said.

 

Wind to thy Wings -

Teresa

 

Feel free any of you to ask questions, or to respond FREELY... I'd like to know what you all think honestly about what I've written.

 

Hugz*********

 

                                              

Catch Up

 

The graphic is from a set called "Jewelled Fairy" I believe ~  from Kiwi Graphics.

It's been a week of weeks  lol. I've been feeling like I should write but haven't been able to sit and formulate the thought process necessary for this.  So, I'm trying.

Once again, Lares and Draco are growing like weeds, they are both between 15 and 20 lbs each now at 11 weeks old.  They have had their 2nd shots and yesterday went in to be groomed etc.  They were NOT happy about that and Draco treated me like I was the ultimate traitor for doing so.  They WERE happy to get home, first thing Lares did almost was roll in the leaves..sheesh. But they are so cute...they also got their special tags in the mail finally, took forever it seemed.  Lares is blue with dolphins on it and Draco's is shades of scarlett with some purple in it of a planetary scene somewhere - futuristic but very pretty :)  Cindy is Aquarius therefore a water sign and I am Virgo a earth sign - therefore Lares has a water symbol on his and Draco's is earth.  They go in for their rabies shots etc. the end of March.  Heathen and Kizmet are still the same, tho poor Kizmet is loosing weight because I have been having to find places to put her food because Heathen will find it and eat all of it, remember Heathen has diabetes that is being controlled with his diet so he has to eat his special food and isn't supposed to eat anything else but - thing is, no matter where I seem to find a place for Kizmet's food, he finds it and bullies her to steal it.  I think I've finally found a spot where Heathen can't get to it and she will be able to eat in peace and put some weight back on - she's a tiny cat to begin with and her loosing weight is not a good thing in my opinion.

I've been reading a lot this past week (books), been reading journal entries but have been having trouble being able to leave comments, don't know if it's AOL or if it's the connection here.  I had broadband, but this area is fighting over which company has what area so right at the moment all I have is dial up, so that hinders things. Can't even put YouTube's on my entries or even see them because the dial up is so slow here it won't work.  I hope the corporations have the mess straightened out eventually because I miss my broadband.

Cindy and I are doing well, she's been very tired this past week - it's the end of the month and it's always very stressful and hectic where she works at the end of the month.  If you have a question about GM or Chevy vehicles though? she's the one to ask... she knows those brands inside and out... one of the best in the nation at what she does.  Very proud of her about that.

Did I ever mention that when she was younger she was a bullrider in the rodeo? or that she's been in the army and was discharged with the whatchacallit of Sergeant? <sp?> She has some massive shoulders on her (I think they are very sexy :) and her calves?  16 & some odd inch calves... s o l i d muscle, same with her thighs (big sigh here) I love her in tight wranglers (blue jeans), a cowboy shirt and her stetson cowboy hat...black of course lol.  She's a wonderful human being & I love her deeply (but ya'll know that LOL).  Hope she feels the same about me... I think she does.  At the moment she is still in bed (I've been up since 5 a.m.) she needed a sleep in and deserves it completely, later I will make us some breakfast (bacon, eggs & toast) the usual.  I think when I go to the grocery store later I will get some ground sausage meat and make "Scotch Eggs" next week for our special breakfast.  Should be interesting.  We are both supposed to start the "Atkin's Diet" the 1st of March.  That should be even more interesting LOL - I've never gone completely without carbohydrates before, Cindy has and she said when she went on the diet she lost quite a bit of weight, I guess we will see if it works the same for me as it did her. Sigh...no potatoes, no bread, no pasta...no milk (I love milk), very little dairy, I can use creamer in my coffee, I can have butter...just no on the majority of the rest of it from what I understand.  We will see.

Yesterday, it stormed and then for the majority of the afternoon & evening there was some terrific wind gust's here...up to 50 and 60 mph winds... there is this desk on the carport that we need to bring in the house but we need some help in doing so because it's so heavy...it blew right over... just to give you an idea, took 3 people to move the thing to where it is now and here comes one huge gust of wind and whoooop there it went, right over on it's back.

Alright, I guess that's it for now.  I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

                              

Hey, Hey, Hey - it's been quiet this weekend and nicely so :)  C and I have been thoroughly lazy till this afternoon all weekend.  Yesterday all we did was hang around the house, watch TV, play with Lares, Draco, Heathen and Kizmet - heck, we were even in bed by 8 p.m.  both of us were just tired, C more so than I, we cuddled right up and went to sleep, I love cuddling with her :)

Today, C was up early (4:30 a.m. or so) because her back was bothering her and had the puppies up and out already, I got up around 6:30 a.m. after she came in and kissed my on my cheek saying she was going to Mickey D's to get some breakfast for us, wasn't that sweet? When she got back, we read the paper and ate.  Then we went to the grocery store to get a few things, got back, I put up the groceries, she vacumned, I did laundry, she put up my new under the counter electric canopener then she went out brought the puppies in and sprayed down the back yard and the dog run for fleas/ticks/bugs in general.  You have to remember, we live in a rural area and the woods come right up to our back fence, so there are fleas/ticks now and there will be even more come the spring/summer.  We are trying to get a handle and ahead of them right now.  Texas is notorious for those things yuck yuck yuck.  Won't be able to take the puppies out to the back yard the rest of today and maybe all day tomorrow, depends on how fast the yard dries out in the back.  There are houses on each side of us - and cow's on each side of those houses, horses etc. there is ranches all up and down this road, even across the street...   it's nice and quiet for the exception on the road in front of the house.

Anyhoo - I'll be cooking dinner in a while, nothing fancy, just some sautee'd chicken breast tenders, veggie and potato or something.  Going to go for now...hope everyone is having a good one.

 

Can we say mmmmmmmmm

I love things of faery, fantasy etc.  This tag is created by TerryAnn at " a girlnexdoor creation "  I've used her tags before and they are great :)  Thanks TerryAnn :)

Anyhoo - about last night, we got over to where we needed to go in order to go to Krystal's and you know what?  they were CLOSED, FOR SALE, KAPUTE, IXNAE, GONE, NOT THERE ANYMORE  :(  and our taste buds were all set for Krystal's...(sigh) such a sad fate for this place.  Nevertheless, we still went to dinner, went to this little seafood restaurant that we have been to once before, they have a dinner for two with a pound of snow crab legs, half a pound of shrimp (anyway you want it cooked pretty much, we choose scampi) 4 sides, and a dessert to split for $32.99.  It was great and were WE stuffed... then we came home.  It was a very nice evening and we were both exhausted by the time we got home so all we did was take Lares and Draco out for potty call, came back in and spent about 30 minutes with them, put them in their crate and in the bathroom.  Then we went to bed and I think Cindy was asleep within 5 minutes of her head hitting the pillow  LOL.  I was not long after her I'm sure because I don't remember much beyond that.

This morning at 8:30 a.m. is Lares and Draco's 2nd vet's appointment, they are going to get their second worming, shots and pick up their next dose of advantix for fleas and ticks (this is a MUST because I cannot and will not abide bugs of any kind in the house) I hate 'em with a passion - I can pick a snake up or something like that with ease, but BUGS?? no freaking way (sorry Russ I know you like bugs LOL).  Next Saturday, Lares and Draco have a appointment for some spa treatment <grin>  they are both going to be groomed, bathed, massaged etc. AND they get a little bandana neckerchief (or however you spell that) they are growing so quickly and for the most part as sweeties...with spaced out mischievious puppy tendencies :)  Cindy is going to try to get them to stay still enough to take some black and white photo's of them today - she's a great photographer btw.  The good thing about black and white photo's of people?  the black and white can hide flaws like you would not believe...<g>.

Anyhow, I'm not sure how we will be spending the rest of the weekend, might write again, might not.. depends.  I hope all of you are doing well and are happy....Cin, I hope Patches is better and yes, I lit the candle, so know that I am thinking and praying for you and yours.

Ciao!                                       

Weekend

Well, it's yet another weekend - supposed to warm up over it, woke up to 16/17 degrees this morning, ya'd think if it were going to be that cold we could at least have a "little" snow  : x  no such luck...(sigh)  It has warmed up nicely over the day though, the sun is shining and Lares and Draco are out in the dog run basking in the sunshine, the robins are out along with the cardinals and jays...and some other lovely little birds I've never seen before, neato huh?

Tonight Cindy is taking me to Krystal's for burgers.. I really like Krystal burgers, they are like White Castle's...  it's a drive for us, but I love going on long country drives with Cindy... it's very relaxing and we get some "us" time.. no puppies or cats yammering for attention. 

I'm not sure what we will do this weekend, but it will be nice just being able to spend some more time together.  Oh, yeah...Puppies second vet visit tomorrow they will be SO thrilled  LOL.

Okay, gone for now...will try to write an entry over the weekend, have a good one!!

Two more Cuban recipes, then that's it on the Cuban recipes for awhile LOL

Cuban Eggs

8   hard boiled eggs

1   cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese - divided

3   tablespoons nonfat milk

1/2 teaspoon salt (optional)

1    dash pepper (you can add more, adjust this to your taste)

1/2 cup chopped onions

1/2 cup chopped sweet green bell peppers (or red or yellow LOL)

1    tablespoon butter

2    8 ounce cans of tomato sauce

hot cooked rice

parsley sprigs

Preheat oven 350*

Cut eggs in half lengthwise,  remove yolks and set white's aside.

In a small bow., mash yolks with fork;  Stir in 1/2 cup of cheese, milk, salt & pepper until well blended.

Fill each half egg with one heaping tablespoon yolk mixture & place in a 8x8x2 inch baking dish.

In a medium saucepan over medium heat, cook onion & pepper in butter until crisp-tender, about 3 minutes or so; stir in tomato sauce and bring to boiling point; pour over eggs; sprinkle with remaining cheese & bake until hot and bubbly & cheese is melted, about 15 minutes - serve over rice and garnish with parsley if you want.

 

Cuban Picadillo

2    pounds ground beef

1    28 ounce diced tomatoes, drained, reserve juice

1/2 can of beef broth

1    large onion, chopped.

1    tablespoon olive oil

2    cloves garlic, crushed

2    tablespoons tomato paste

3   scallions (green onions), finely chopped

1   red chili pepper, seeded & finely chopped (or just use dried red pepper flakes)

2   tablespoons chopped fresh parsley leaves (no stems)

1   teaspoon dried oregano

1/2 teaspoon ground cumin

1    pinch sugar

      salt and fresh ground black pepper.

Heat the oil in a large saucepan, add the garlic & onion; cook over very low heat until onions are almost tender, about 10 minutes.  Turn the heat up to medium, add the ground beef and brown, stirring constantly with a fork to break up the meat.  Next, stir in the tomato paste, chile (or pepper flakes), cumin, oregano, half the chopped parsley & scallions (green onions) & sugar, mix well.  Season to taste with salt & pepper.  Bring to a boil, reduce heat & cook for about 20 minutes or so.

Add the broth and potato & continue cooking, uncovered for approx. 20 minutes or until the potato is tender & most of the liquid is gone; use the reserved juice from the drained tomatoes if you need extra liquid.  Mix in the remaining chopped parsley & scallions.  Serve with crusty bread or rice.  (you can also use warmed flour tortilla's burrito size, put the meat mixture in and wrap as you would a burrito).