Monday, April 28, 2008

For my wife ~

Cindy ~
I Love You !!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

~ Just "Breathe" ~
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in you hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
But you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life they belong to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.


Monday, April 21, 2008

Caught up in a world of moonbeams, sunlight, wind, storms & other things ~


First of all ~ with the beginning of this entry let me state ~ those that are overtly and bogged in cynicism? don't read the first of this entry because you just won't "get" it ~ but yet again? go ahead, maybe it will open your heart chakra and let you "feel" things maybe you have forgotten? or even never have felt in the first place.
 Indigo? I SO very much wish you could hear this clip ~ your soul would soar like mine did and is still doing, it gave me something back that I thought I had forgotten, misplaced or somesuch.  A memory ~ whether of this time, this life or of another.
Yes I am "waxing poetical", yes, I am awed... some of you who read this might think I'm a loon but frankly?  I don't care (shrug).
Cindy and I watched this movie last night called "August Rush"
And can I say it was one of THE best movies I've seen (or felt) in a very long time.  It opened a few more of those cracks in my heart... I don't know if I should or even if I COULD explain what it made me feel, what it MAKES me feel when I listen to this one piece of music... I just do.  Like the title of this entry it's beyond words to explain ~ all you can do is follow where your heart takes you... turn everything off around you, hit the play button, sit back and close your eyes and open your MIND and your heart... and it will make you feel wonderment, awe, many things.  This piece is called "August's Rhapsody" I believe...there are no words, it's only music ~ I hope you enjoy it.
The whole soundtrack of this movie is exceptional, or at least what I heard in the movie ~ the songs, all of them. 
Go and rent the movie ~ buy the movie ~ just WATCH it, I don't think you will regret it... and if you do? you ARE definitely a cynic...
On with this past week ~ well, work was just that "work" lol ~ Thursday, Friday and Saturday were absolutely horrid ~ I'm blaming it on the fact that it was full moon and the "cretins" were out... Oh, and the "Prom babies" ~ the boys out to impress their dates with attempting to be all knowledgeable, when in fact the majority were arrogant and severely lacking in manners, etiquette... and the girls? no I'm not leaving those little "angels" out... it was about half and half with each of them (girls and the boys) the little "angels" ? hell, some of them were the snobs from the red planet...sheesh.  Yet the other half?  they were kind, courteous, exceptional... I appreciated those.. lol ~ their Momma's had taught them well....and believe it or not? the one's I thought were the best behaved in most areas?  were the "rednecks" the country girls and boys... the one's who knew if they didn't behave their Momma's would have their behind if they didn't lol.  The rude one's?  were the one's that were given everything, the one's from the rich families in the area etc.  that hadn't had to work for anything in their lives, it had all been given to them. (shaking my head) it was really sad when I stop and think about it.
Yesterday, Cindy and I didn't get very much done... Cindy got one of the sheds cleaned out, I cooked breakfast, then we took some things to Goodwill, went to Big Lots and found some "Shepard's Hooks"  wrought iron with these amber lead glass suns... really neat looking.  We put those in the front yard where the sprinkler heads are ~ they look great, give character to the yard.  Then we had ribeyes for dinner (Cindy grilled ) baked potato and salad ~ very simple dinner and it was great.  Then, Cindy did the dishes another big  ~ then we sat down and watched "August Rush" ~ altogether it was a very nice day.
I've started needlework again, right now I'm cross stitching a big apron for Cindy's mom for either her birthday or mom's day... it's a watering can with flowers all over it and in it that says "Home is where the heart is" across the bottom.  Hope she likes ~ C's Mom loves flowers, plants of almost any kind, birds,, I have someone to embroider, cross stitch, needlepoint for LOL.  I might even find something that Cindy might like (though I don't know if she'd ever do anything with it).
Okay, concentration gone ~ so I'm going.  I might write again later, don't know.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day....week...

Monday, April 14, 2008

This video is by one of my favorite singers, some of you have heard her I'm sure, some of you haven't maybe.
When I listen to this woman's music, her voice...she takes me back to a time I think I've lived - in the past.  A lot of you don't believe in reincarnation or past lives but I do and because of the way her music makes my soul absolutely quiver and brings me peace, no matter what I'm doing or what I'm feeling when I listen to her ~ this is what makes me so certain that I was in some of the places/times that she paints in my heart and soul. 
I hope you enjoy her the way I do.

Sunday, April 13, 2008


I have no idea what's the matter with me this weekend, actually it's been off and on all week.  I've been so out of sorts and feeling down, heart heavy.  Cindy asked me yesterday why I was being so quiet, part of that was stress from work ~ I work with too many idiots who have no idea what hard work is and have no responsibility or feelings of respect for the fact that they do have a job.  The rest?  don't know, it's just there.  It's a sadness inside ~ it's like a freaking infection that spreads through your body when you are not feeling well? well this is of my soul and I don't know what's causing it.  Is it the depression trying to run roughshod over me? is it hormones? is it something in my life? I have no freaking lah de dah idea. (sigh and humph inserted here).
About the Meme I did and the 5 I choose to tag?  I would have tagged many more people to do this... I didn't know if I should include private journals or not, so Connie honey AND Cin? I would have liked to include you... Connie sent me the answers  to the Meme anyway LOL so I will post those in another entry... and remember Thursday was Gazker's B'day and Today is Russ's (their links are to the right of this entry) go wish them happy b'days!!
One thing that did get accomplished this weekend is the fact that we are finally going to have new windows put in the house, Cindy met with the gentleman yesterday morning while I was at work and got that ball rolling ~ of course we are going to do only one to two windows at a time...reason being? we don't want to go into debt doing this or have to get a finance agreement ~ it's going to cost almost $3500 to do the whole house but once it's done it will be great and the house will be even more energy efficient.  So that's a good thing.  Cindy did a great job arranging everything, I'm proud of her.  The company we are dealing with also does vinyl siding and doors.  Once the windows are done we are going to have him install a new front door and side entrance door...THEN have him put vinyl siding on the one shed right next to the house and the side "V's" of the house I can't think of what they are called lol.  Gutters too!
I want to try to get to a couple of plant stores today because I want to get some PLANTS (from said PLANT store) ROFL... to place around the huge oak tree in the front of the house and maybe some to place in the front of the house in general...we have some Peach or whatever color you call it Iris's there now which I am going to transplant to the fence line between us and the neighbors...I need to trim the new growth off of the trunk of the magnolia tree so that it will put all that energy back into the main part of the tree and trim a myrtle crepe by the from post fence...I'm being hmmm hopeful aren't I?  We also need to get to the grocery store.
Yesterday morning (9 a.m.) we took the boys (Lares and Draco) for their yearly rabies and borda something or other (kennel cough) shots ~ they do great in Cindy's truck, they don't like the vet though (not many of our "babies" DO though do they???)  well Lares is about 52 lbs and Draco is about 48 lbs.  they put a muzzle on Lares because the vet said he had "funny eyes" (they are a really, really pale amber kind of "glowy" they are so light) and was worried he would bite her..well, it wasn't Lares she should have worried about, it was Draco (evil laugh inserted here) well, the FIRST mistake they did was turn Draco away from where he could see his brother... that was a NO . ..Draco snarled at the vet even through the muzzle... Draco NEVER snarls... or even attempts to bite, but because he couldn't see Lares and Lares was raising a fit like you would not believe because he thought Draco was being hurt ~ anyway, Draco finally got his shots and put down, once he was down and able to touch, sniff, etc. his brother it was fine, from that point on all they wanted was OUTTA there and back into the safety of the truck...whew..they were so glad to get home.
Okay, that's enough for now.  I'm brain tired. Still feel weepy...(sigh) I'm just getting old aren't I? 

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I was TAGGED lol


Bethe from over at Palm Harbor got me <grin> I haven't done one of these things in ages but I promised I would ~ don't be surprised if I don't remember a lot of things though... some things I can't remember, either from them being too painful, it's almost like amnesia (sigh) I hate it when those things happen with my memories.  But!!!  Here I go!


1. The rules of the game

2. Each player answers questions about themselves.

3. At the end of the post the player then tags 5 people, and posts their names, goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment letting them know they've been tagged.




I was in Portland Oregon, working at a wonderful little diner downtown, I loved that job ~ living in a small victorian studio apartment with a huge iron (or steel?) clawfoot tub ~ always had enough hot water because we (the apartment building) had steam radiators for heat...and that in return heated the water.  Going to therapy twice a week and hiding when I wasn't at work or therapy, I was as close to agoraphobic as you can be without actually crossing into it.


I'm going to have to make it my list for tomorrow 'cuz it's already almost 6 p.m. here  lol. hmmmmm let's see ~

1.  get up and make coffee, make C's breakfast ~ check my emails and get ready for work.

2.  go to work

3. go get my nails done <very important thing here> lol

4. come home let the dogs out into the run and give them some love.

5.  cook dinner, do dishes, watch some TV, shower and go to bed and start over the next day.


olive tapinade (that may be spelled wrong) over a crispy crusted hard bread

pumpkin seeds

black olives with harvarti cheese

peanut M & M's




Buy out massive amounts of old growth forests & give them to a organization such as the Sierra Club or a group like that who would protect them for generations to come.

I'd also purchase large areas of land and create no kill safe areas for cat's, dog's...even one's for retired circus animals, mistreated laboratory animals etc.  where they could live out the remainder of their lives happy, healthy and loved.

Create Women's Shelters ~ we need far more of them and create educational systems to further their ability to take care of themselves and their children if there are any.

finally for me ~ I'd buy up around 3 or 400 hundred acres in prime mountain land in the pacific northwest..hire security guards to patrol it ~ build myself a english style country cottage with 3 bedrooms, living room, 4 bathrooms, a huge library/study, dining room and a kitchen to die for.  I'd have 1 vehicle that would be all terrain, have my own generator to supply  my energy needs, grow my own vegetables and herbs...have cow's, sheep, horses, cats, dogs, have my own well ~ oh and the property would have to have a river running through it and maybe a waterfall. Of course Cindy would be there lol.


I'm a terrible procrastinator

I like to eat too much

I smoke

I can be too harsh on people (in my head)










worked at a few dr's offices


Linda from over at Sangria Two

Indigo from over at Raven's Lament

Missie from over at Missie's Upside Down World

Gazker from over at Diary of a podgy poof!

Russ from over at Inner & Outer Demons.




Ok, I'm sorry BUT this clip is a utter HOOT!!! enjoy :)



Good Morning!
Guess what??  I've got my broadband!!!  Whoooooohoooooo!!! (doing happy snoopy dance).
NOW I will be able to get to the journals the way I want to, won't have to wait 5 minutes or more for a page to upload or for me to be able to leave comments or do other things because I simply didn't have the time to respond to things etc. or I got damned bored waiting for the blasted pages to load! or getting booted off into the AOHELL cosmos. Sheesh.
I can't believe how fast I go now lol even faster than when we had broadband before tee hee :)  I was so happy when Cindy said it was ready ~ she spent 4 hours getting my computer ready for it, She's such a honey bunny and I love her with all my heart.
Bethe, I didn't get to get by for the thing you tagged me with because we had bad storms around here last night... I will get to it either this morning before work or after work this afternoon, it's not supposed to storm today.
The Tennessee Lady Volunteer Basketball (College) won another National Championship last night! Yipppeeee !!  Pat Summit is a awesome coach and the team is fantastic ~ they are loosing 4 (or is it 5?) players this year because they are graduating...not a good thing, she's (Pat) is going to have to be on a plane out there scouting for some more miracles.  Ok, I'm not one for sports at ALL ~ but Cindy got me into the Lady Vol's basketball..they are her FAV team.
Anyway they played Stanford University last night and danced circles around them ~ their offense and defense were fantastic...Stanford didn't know what hit them <g>.
I cooked dinner last night, made Chicken with Yellow Rice and Mushrooms with a tossed salad.  It was good... it's even better warmed up LOL.
Draco hasn't been feeling that well ~ the night before last his right eye was all swollen and the pupil was having trouble dilating...yesterday morning it appeared to be better, this morning his tummy has been upset etc.  I hope he's ok...I'm worried about him.  Keep my little boy in your thoughts 'k?
Guess what again?  It's Gaz's b'day tomorrow!! Hop over and wish him happy b'day if you get a's the link to his journal, the man is such a wonderful sweetheart!! "Diary of a Podgy Poof"  - AND it's Russ's b'day on Sunday! He's over here at "Inner and Outer Demons" I love him too... just as much as Gaz.
Okay, I'm gone for now.  Have to get things done and get ready for work... Hugz*

Sunday, April 6, 2008

an unwanted memory

I was driving to work yesterday listening to the radio (yes, I still have a radio with only a cassette player in it ~)  I heard this first I really didn't pay attention to the lyrics, but something about it caught my ear, or should I say stirred up a memory I didn't care to remember.  These memories are from almost 20 years ago.  Even though it has been that long, the pictures that the words arouse within my head are still sharp. They still make me wince. They still mean I'm afraid.  It still marks my ability to trust.  Especially when it comes to alcohol/drinking.  I was sitting there once I started really listening and it was like my breathing slowed, I became hyper aware in a way like I was in a long, long tunnel looking at something that should have long ago left me alone.  But some wounds don't heal completely and I don't know if this ever will.  I'm extremely grateful for Cindy in situations like this and I realize how very lucky and blessed I am to have her love.  She helps keep the demons at bay and in their place in the murkiness of past memories.
Straight/Heterosexual readers? don't EVER think that domestic abuse doesn't occur within lesbian/gay relationships, it does and at a alarming rate.  Take it from me I was one of those. I have changed a few of the words to make it from a female point of view...
"Never Again"
She's drunk again, it's time to fight
She must have done something wrong tonight
The living room becomes a boxing ring
It's time to run when you see her
Clenching her hands
She's just a woman
Never Again

I hear her scream, from down the hall
Amazing she can even talk at all
She cries to me, Go back to bed
I'm terrified that she'll wind up
Dead in her hands, She's just a woman
Never Again

Been there before, but not like this
Seen it before, but not like this
Never before have I ever
Seen it this bad
She's just a woman
Never Again

Just tell the nurse, you slipped and fell
It starts to sting as it starts to swell
She looks at you, she wants the truth
It's right out there in the waiting room
With those hands
Lookin just as sweet as she can
Never Again

Seen it before, but not like this
Been there before, but not like this
Never before have I ever
Seen it this bad
She's just a woman
Never Again

Father's a name you haven't earned yet
You're just a child with a temper
Haven't you heard "Don't hit a lady"?
Kickin ' your ass would be a pleasure

She's drunk again, it's time to fight
Same old shyt, just on a different night
She grabs the gun, she's had enough
Tonight she'll find out how f**king
Tough is this woman
Pulls the trigger as fast as she can
Never Again

Seen it before, but not like this
Been there before, but not like this
Never before have I ever
Seen it this bad
She's just a woman
Never Again