Entry

    

Good Morning everyone ~

 

Thought I'd attempt another entry for this week LOL.  In a way writing these entries is therapy for me because it forces me to come out from under the "woodpile" I've been under, makes me reach out from under my comfort zone.

I can go for days, weeks without speaking nor seeing a soul.  When I was single, for the exception of work or having to go to the grocery store etc. I would be alone & most of the time that was in complete silence, no TV no radio ~ nothing.  After my last shift for the week when I had two days off in a row, I would stop at the grocery store on the way home, buy things I needed for a few days ~ go home, close the door, change into something loose and comfy, unplug the phone and not see, speak nor listen to anyone till I got to work two days later.  It was something that was very comfortable for me and I was happy with it.  I've had to do a lot of adjusting since Cindy and I moved in together...I had become very set in my ways, still am in some matters, that won't change.  I still don't talk on the phone for the exception of Cindy, when I'm here alone it's more often than not in silence.  Cindy? She can't stand silence, she says it makes her mind goes whacky on her, She thinks too much. We are very different about many things but a lot a like on some.  They even out.  She likes being around people, I don't.  I prefer the "babies" and books, cooking and searching for graphics etc. on the computer.  I can have panic attacks when I'm forced to be on the phone.  I don't understand that one either, it just is. 

Another thing about myself.  If something happens and I cut someone out of my life... I mean just that, they are cut.  I don't speak to them again, I don't see them again ~ I disappear, completely.  I've rarely had any trouble with that, it does not bother me I guess because in order for me to do that with someone that's been a part of my life it has had to have been something BIG for me to take that step.  It's self preservation (as my therapist used to tell me) I have forgotten or it's been taken from me ~ memories that I can't/won't remember, bad things and my sweet little mind protects me from those things.  Little black holes in space.  It's nothing bad for me to be as I am ~ it's just "me" and I accept it.  Doesn't matter if anyone else does, just me.  I've always as much/far back as I CAN remember been extremely solitary, I have a very hard time when I'm around more than 2 or 3 people at one time (for the exception of work for some reason it's like I become a different person at work, yet the minute I walk out that door? I'm "me" again)

I realize that the readers of my journal that have been around awhile know this about me, this is written for my "new" readers, so maybe it will give them a deeper understanding of who I am.

I can't help writing what I have written so far and think "that is soooooo egocentric of you to even think someone would be curious or interested" believe me, it takes quite a bit for me to open myself like this to one's I don't know.  It is not written out of any kind of self salutation or grandiosement - merely who I am.

As I mentioned above, I don't like being around a large herd of people, I'm extremely quiet for the most part when I am, I tend to watch people and learn about them that way... people's actions can say so much more about them as people than what they say, the truth comes out in the watching.  I like corners in a busy room, I like to sit with my back to a wall so no one can get behind me...getting behind me in my mind means danger.  I AM this way because of my past...I doubt much will change now that I'm older.  When I do talk to a person I look at them straight in the eyes & I will hold them by their eyes ~ any discomfort in most part to me means that they aren't quite who they are or their actions are speaking differently than their souls, a person's soul is what I'm interested in ~ another thing? instinct...I follow that avidly about other people.  When I was very young I learned to trust that, though at the time I didn't understand or know what "instinct" was lol ~ I just knew to listen to that "feeling" ~ kept me out of range of a fist or two in my time.

Okay, that's enough spilling of the guts at this point and time.

Have a good weekend.