Things and Thoughts -

This artwork is called "Fairy resting in the cold" by a wonderful artist by the name of Lia Saile.

 

There are times when I want to write, yet I can't or I think too much and I talk myself out of it ~ I have a pattern of holding everything inside of me most of the time, habits learned from long ago ~ so long ago that the memory of WHY I became this way is lost in the times of my past. I am writing today because I am attempting to break one of the holds that my past has taught me and protected me with.

It has been a bit over a week since my last entry (does this sound like confession to you? it does bring back memories of my mother's catholic phase and the 1st time they "attempted" to make me go to confession to a man that was called a "priest" and I told him I wasn't going to tell him anything; to me, he was male - therefore definitely NOT to be trusted and a stranger to boot)  even in that time my trust of males was non existent for the exception of my grandfather who I thought I loved and who did love me in his own way - yet as I grew older the love was more tinged with fear and as I grew older still - how much he had attempted and DID manipulate his oldest grandchild - that was one of the times of my life where I gained more control of "self" and a loss of rose tinted glasses when it came to my mother's family.  I trust no male completely, nor will I ever I believe.

For you gentlemen out there that kindly read this, please do not take this personally against you... these are just meanderings and remembering's of my own past experiences.

Yet ~~~~ they still control me to some point to this day in a aspect or another.  The waves that were causedin time, the portals of crossings & nuances still overlap each other no matter how many years are added onto my time I have existed in this place.

Yes, everyone has felt pain, betrayal, anger, sense of loss ~ but this journal is about me and my experiences...not everyone else's - so if this is true why do I feel the guilt in admitting, acknowledging, remembering these things ?

I don't know, but I don't feel like I should - feel guilty that is.

Yet I do.

Some people have even attempted to sway me into thinking that my distrust and anger are the reasons that I am a lesbian.

No.

This is not the case.

That I DO know well enough about myself.

 

My Spiritual self, my journey in that sphere has been tumultuous at best - I have bounced around (not always by my choice, some of this was my mother's whim of not being able to find her own belief, her dragging me with her in her own journey.)

What I have seen/noticed/absorbed is that with most "Christian" precepts of that belief, is that THAT belief is often impressed upon one with fear.  My pardon to those that are of that belief, my words are not meant to cause hurt or anger.  These words are merely my own experiences.  My journey to finding my own Spirit, my own Spirituality is uniquely my own, much as many of you, the readers of this journal, have your own.  Even the lack of a "religion" persae is a form of Spirituality in my own thinking.  If I were to believe in any aspect of Christ, it would be the ideals that come from "The Gnostic Gospels" than any written in the current bible.  But again, that is MY own thought, not anyone else's.

I am going to get off of this/these subject(s) now because I don't wish to bore you or alienate any of you; and yes, I realize I am somewhat disjointed today, my thoughts are mercurial at the moment, never know what will pop out when I'm in this frame of mind.

 

On with the day to day things that are going on... Cindy is still working her butt off (I adore her butt, she has such a attractive butt ) and this week will be even harder on her because of some things that are going on in her workplace and even MORE responsibility will be placed on  her shoulders, not that She can't handle it...She is fully capable. (Yes, I adore her shoulder's too).  We had a day together yesterday and it was a very nice day... with my new work schedule and her's too, I see her for about 15 minutes every morning (I get up at 5ish a.m.) to fix her breakfast (I want to make sure she eats) then we talk on the phone on her way to work, when I'm not having to work thru lunch myself, I talk to her for about 45 minutes on her lunch break and then depending on if I am working a dinner shift, I talk to her when she get's off of work a little after 6 p.m. till she get's home, we eat dinner, watch some TV, play with the puppies and love on the cats...then it's bedtime around 9ish (if I'm home) if I'm work, I don't get home till about 10, so she's in bed...tho she does try to stay up to see me .  We both have long days and short nights, but we have each other and that's what counts.

Yesterday we got up and went to breakfast, then grocery shopping...came home and I took a nap (luv naps) while she played James Bond on her computer (help's get rid of her stress) and then we had a shower together (wyked grin, was THAT nice), dressed, went to dinner with a couple of friends, came home and went to bed and cuddled till we fell asleep.  It was wonderful.  I love my wife with all my heart and soul.

 

I hope everything is going fine with all of you - hopefully I will be able to start my journal commenting again on a more regular basis soon since things are evening out with my new work schedule.

 

One other note, if any of the jokes etc. that I forward my regular readers bother you or you don't want them, please let me know... can I ask one thing?  let me know nicely, not with meanness or abruptness, I wouldn't do that to you and I hope you wouldn't do that to me.  Coldness following a attempt of just passing along humor or things I thought you might be interested in are unwanted.  In other words, if you can't be nice? you are not worth my time to begin with.

 

Wind to thy Wings all, I love each and all of you.