~ exhaling like crazy ~ if I don't watch it I will hyperventilate :)

This "Tag" is the work of our wonderful Donna at D's Designs  :)

Feeling kind of down and wornout at the moment, emotionally and mentally.  Mainly because it took a lot for me to write what I did in my previous entry, believe it or not.  I share things with you all, yes... but it doesn't mean that with certain things I talk about/discuss with you, that they don't come with a price for me.  That being, in general I'm a very quiet person, I tend to hold things to myself, my heart and in my own mind far more than is really healthy.  I meant what I said about not minding whatever someone might respond with, because I am who I am. I am proud of ME.  It still doesn't mean that the "little girl" inside of me doesn't hope that people won't trash her for speaking and sharing what is on her mind & in her head or in her heart. 

I never, ever, REALLY had a childhood.  I wasn't given the chance nor the opportunity.  My mother was married for the 4th time by the time I was 6 years old and she always married the same kind of man. Lechers (sp?), abusers and some things I might not ever go into detail about here.  Let's just say - I knew things at 6 years old a 6 year old girl child should never know till she is at least in her 20's.  I have very, very few memories (happy one's) of my childhood. The rest of the spots are either very sketchy or they are consumed with those little black holes that my PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) & depression leaves.  To give you an example..have you ever taken a piece of thin cloth, cotton or silk or somesuch...and sprinkled tiny fire embers across it...those little holes that burn through the material without consuming the whole thing? Over a period of time there are lots of little tiny holes that fill up the material.  Those little spots are like my memories...I have lots of little tiny (and some not so tiny) holes everywhere in my mind.  I DO remember being at my mother's 4th wedding and me wearing this little dress with a white top & bright yellow skirt with daisies around the waist...thinking to myself and KNOWING that I would never be married to a male & that I would never bear children.  Odd isn't it?  knowing that at 6 years old with such certainty?  I hated that man with a passion, I don't now because I realize it's just a waste of energy, but then and for many, many years after my mother FINALLY divorced the bastard, I hated him with a singular, unwavering hatred.  Take my word for this, he was a very BAD man.

Now, I haven't spoken physically with my mother in over 10 years.  I haven't seen her in even longer a time.  I DO maintain a email correspondence with her & that is only for necessity...for many years she didn't know where I was, no nothing because I didn't wish for her to know, she didn't even know if I were dead or alive.  I disappeared completely, absolutely.  I don't know where she lives other than the general area and I don't want to know, I don't know her address, I don't know her phone number.  Don't want to know.  Over the years there has been some semblence of healing within myself when it comes to my mother, but not enough to wish to encourage a further relationship than what there is right now. One day maybe, now? no way in hell.  The thing is I'm trying, She is trying - it might even heal enough to allow for a physical meeting or even a phone call.  Does that make me a bad daughter? no, it doesn't because no one knows what happened to me growing up & I don't think she will ever be able to get to the point within her own mind of accepting the responsibility of what happened.  It's beyond her. She's a good woman overall, she just wasn't a good mother to me.  She didn't save me when it was her job as a mother TO save me. period.

I have a headache from hell this afternoon - I think it's the barometric pressure because it's going to rain, that's causing it.  Draco and Lares are in big trouble when Cindy get's home.  I just have to remind her...Baby, they are just puppies...they will be 12 weeks old tomorrow.

So without much further Ado.. I am departing the journal world for the day... I bid you all a fond adeiu...