Mind Warp

I don't know who the artist is for this photograph, but who ever it is?  I love it.  Her eyes are beyond beautiful, her face is fae, like she doesn't belong in this world.  If the artist does happen to find their way to my journal and they don't wish to have it here, please email me and I will gladly remove it, I mean no disrespect.  Thanks.

Okay, I sound like I'm in a weird place in my head, that's probably because I am.  This is going to be one of my bytching and moaning sessions, I don't mean to bring anyone down, I don't even know really what to write; it's all emotions, feelings and this place I go to within myself - a very small place where it's safe to be, you know?  maybe you don't and haven't the ability to understand it but that's ok too.

I go thru these phases & I know it has to do completely with my body's chemistry or rather my brain's chemistry esp. (excuse me you guys who read this) esp. when it comes time for my "Moon Days" or my menstrual cycle and it seems the older I get, the more intense and psychologically draining it is.  My moods swing way out to left field and I get these awful emotional "drops" inside.  Most of you know or have read that I do suffer from depression at times - these bouts can swing from very minor to very harsh and very deep... this one is swinging towards the "very deep" not quite the worst, but not in the middle either.  I've suffered the depression from childhood so it's not a new thing to me, it's merely when I was younger I was able to deal with it easier or would that be ignore it?  it's been such a part of my life that it is part of who I am, I don't think there is a medication out there that can do anything at all for it and believe me, I've tried many of them.  My mind keeps wishing to carry on chit chat with me and I feel like sticking my fingers in my ears and saying "neener, neener, neener - I can't hear you so you might as well be quiet" and humming just to drown out the freaking noise.  That sounds so off the wall doesn't it?  it sounds like this chick is crazy, fruit of the loom, over and out nuts.  I'm not.  It just hits me this way sometimes and I can't do a thing about it except avoid it.  So - that's what I do - I avoid.  I avoid tv, I avoid people, I avoid writing, anything that makes me have to focus on it.  When my focus is bad this is generally why it's bad.  It is hard to even move beyond the front door of the house, much less room to room or even just to get out of the bed.  It freaking sucks and I hate it, but I deal.

I know at times to those that have been reading for any amount of time that I seem to explain or talk about this issue periodically throughout my writings... thing is?  I feel like I have to explain, not only to you ~ but to myself and writing it helps me put a face and a silencer on that bytch inside of my head.

Cindy is such a help when this hits me... she loves me so much.  Sometimes I wonder if my "disability" is too much for her to deal with or even why she would want to.  I love her very deeply & intensely, with all my heart and soul.  She makes me smile when no one else can but the cats' and the dogs'.  So, thank you Baby for being my sunshine :)

The puppies are growing leaps and bounds, like I mentioned a couple entries ago, they are pretty much potty trained, they know how to sit on command, they go to the door when they want to go out, they don't fuss anymore about being in the dog run outside (they only go out for a hour or so a day mainly to get rid of some of that puppy energy they have in copious amounts lol) they whine when they want to come inside.  They are learning that they can bark..they've made friends with the cats...esp. Heathen - he's a lot more laid back than Kizmet; Heathen butts heads with the puppies in affection and he tolerates alot of their licking, chewing etc. to a point, then he hisses and balls up that paw with the claws extended like "ok, that's way enough you two, easy on my freaking ears"  lol.  Lares and Draco are curled up at my feet right now with their heads on my slippers...isn't that sweet??  great foot warmers they are.

Okay, that's enough for now... the next entry (yes, it will be today) will be my recipes that I cooked last week.  I don't know how many of you like recipes? cooking/baking? all that much.... but this is Marie's journal and she has some awsome recipes in there...She's in the United Kingdom and is a beautiful, sweet, loving woman...   Marie's Muses   check her out :)