Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Sexuality - mine ~ a response I shared in ref to her question.

A response to a question a friend wrote/asked me about my sexuality has me pondering things, not questioning MYSELF, but wondering what all of you who are not gay/lesbian think about the gay/lesbian issue (to me it's not a issue, it simply just IS) - do you ever ask yourselves or wonder about my being lesbian? why I am? etc.?

So, I thought, I would share with all of you my response to her... I am omitting her name because this is a private thing between She and I... so I am writing the response I gave her minus the name.  It could have been to anyone that asked me the same...so ponder as you will, you will either understand my thoughts and feelings or you won't.  I don't particularly care if you agree or not, because this is MY world, not anyone else's.  Also, this is merely MY opinion, not anyone else's - it is MY experience, no one else's... there are some cases where in my life I haven't done things that I have been proud of, but then we all have at one time or another. 

No, I don't mind you asking any of these questions   not at all - I'm very happy with who I am and I'm not afraid or ashamed of it, I've just learned over the years that sometimes it is wiser to not tell people that I am because there are some truly mean, wicked, evil, hateful people out there in the world that would not hesitate to physically, mentally & emotionally attempt to harm me; some have even accomplished these things at one time or other.  Being careful does not equate to cowardice or shame.
I've always known I was different, it wasn't until I was older that I realized the term for what I am is "lesbian" - when I was in 2nd grade I had my first fully crush on another little girl, her name was Adrianna - amazing that I remember that lol.  All through school I had major crushes, some even on teachers etc.  It's funny tho because it never seemed that I developed a crush on a Physical Ed teacher, which seems to be the norm for most lesbians it seems (laughing) in fact I seemed to always desprise my P.E. teacher... some of that had to do with the fact that I wasn't athletic at all and had no desire to be so.  Cindy?  She loved her PE Teacher's... but then, she's a tomboy and what the lesbian world calls "butch".  We had two vastly different childhood's and adulthood's.  She fell in with the norm of what being "lesbian" was... I didn't, I've always been feminine and the fact is I don't LOOK like a regular lesbian... I look like a straight woman (or as society perceives as being straight - even the gay/lesbian culture)  Cindy?  she fit's the gay/lesbian look.  I've always been on the outside looking in it seems on both merits - the straight world, because I wasn't straight yet was perceived as such and the gay/lesbian one because I didn't fit in with what they thought I should look like...i.e. I wasn't a tomboy, I didn't have the "lesbian" hair style, I didn't dress like the majority does, I wear makeup etc. Even when I went into gay/lesbian bars, the lesbians there (not all, but most) thought I was bisexual or I was confused and just looking for a one night stand etc.  I wasn't truly a lesbian because I didn't fit into the mold they tried to fit me into... yet despite the peer pressure within the gay/lesbian community to turn myself into what THEY thought was what I should look like, I stayed true to myself.  I am me and that's all I can be.  I love women, any kind of woman - doesn't matter to me.  My preference as to the type of woman I am attracted to?  well, that would be predominately butch...or the tomboy style, though I have had feminine women as lovers.  I just prefer butch women.  Now, when I use the term "lovers" as in plural sense... I don't mean I've had huge amounts of lovers - in fact you could fit the amount of women I've slept with on my two hands.  I'm very monogamous...I am NOT polyamorous  (meaning having more than one sexual relationship going on at one time)(I made the mistake of this once before in my life & it was the last *of having more than one lover*).  It's just not in my make up. 
As far as your feelings yourself?  In my opinion?  Homosexuality is as normal as Heterosexuality is... after all, The Higher Power has made us all, right? and The Higher Power doesn't make mistakes.  I'm not a mistake by any means.  We ALL are created with that in our genetic makeup, but over time, it was taught BY man, by word's written BY man... that itwas wrong.  Your attraction at times through your life is normal... not wrong or sick or abhorrent.  It's only abhorrent to those that have no true idea as to what humanity is... hmmmmmm ok, I'm writing something I found that explains it very well I think... it's not by any means the only thing I've found that attempts to explain the role of homosexuality vs. heterosexuality....it merely makes a lot of sense to me.  Without all the religious posturing..,.you know?  here goes...
 
...in all the world, there are more creatures than just man that make lifetime matings.  Among them, some of the noblest - Wolves, Swans, Geese, the Great Raptors, all creatures man could do worse than emulate, in many, many ways. And with all of them, ALL, there are those pairings, from time to time, within the same gender. Not often, but not unheard of either. 
There is in most of us a fear, a shame placed there by our own doubts and the thoughts of those that know NO better - I tell you to think on this - The same sex pairings occur IN NATURE, how then is it "unnatural" ? Usual ? no; and not desiring of the species (humankind or any other) or else it die out from lack of offspring, but not UNNATURAL.  The beasts of the field are as innocent as humankind will never be - who has the knowledge of good and evil and the choice between & they do NOT cast out of their ranks those that are different for there is NO shame in loving...
 
That's just a short version of it... yet, doesn't it make sense?  take all the religious dogma etc. out of the fact that same sex pairings are a part of nature and are normal within many cultures in this world - the Christian world does not have the only knowledge or the only right to perceive what "wrong" is... there are many civilizations/cultures in this world that are FAR older than Christianity that accept same sex pairings or those that are born different.   Love is just that, love...physical love, emotional love, mental love... when you LOVE, it is not wrong.  If the desire is there to be with someone of the same sex even if it isn't your "norm" is not wrong, if it were not normal or a part of life...it would not be, it would be aberrant within nature as without.  There are no prejudices when it comes to love in the Creator's eyes.  They would MUCH rather have us love... and NOT hate or judge one another.
In other words, ...it IS natural - as natural as it is to breathe...
 
If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask - and let me know what you think of my answers to your questions.  I want to know what YOU think about what I've said.
 
Wind to thy Wings -
Teresa
 
Feel free any of you to ask questions, or to respond FREELY... I'd like to know what you all think honestly about what I've written.
 
Hugz*********
 
                                              

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Awesome entry hun!

You are what you are, and that's it. But being gay myself, I know how you feel. It can be hard at times, but if I'm honest, I've hardly had any trouble from anyone since I 'Came out' when I was 15. I'm one of the lucky ones though.

Lv Ste
xxxx

Anonymous said...

I've always thought 'Why does it even matter to people?'  You are who you are and that's it...you know?  Do you remember way back in the day when Roseanne was still on TV and Morgan Fairchild was 'Nancy's' girlfriend?  She's as feminine as they came.  I don't know why I thought of that....LOL

Love the graphic...only I would be the reverse..my dark side is more prominent...hee hee...

~Amy

Anonymous said...

Very nice entry. And yes love is love is love is love...
A sweet relationship like yours and Cindy's is good for the whole world. Any loving relationship makes the world a better place to be.--Cin

Anonymous said...

I think it's great, as are you! I think anybody who is lucky enough to find love in any form should grabit and feel blessed. So many do not have love in their lives at all. Margo-Proud to be a Pagan Lesbian(even if I look more like a somewhat poor suburban housewife than anything else!)

Anonymous said...

I don't understand what all the fuss is about.  I could care less who people sleep with.  Oh I know as a Christian I am supposed to think you are doomed to hell.  Well I don't believe that.  One reason I don't believe it is that I thing being gay is the way you are born -- it's not a choice.  And if it is indeed the way you are born then how could God be against you?  You are His creation.

Kathy

Anonymous said...

it honestly is not an issue that i even think about. To me it as simple as who you are attracted to. there is love and there is lust and there is sex. period. if you dig someone then you dig them. you want to have sex with them and they do too all the better...;-) And love is beautiful and real and pure and when you have it just be happy you do and don't ever question it. it really is that simple.
Lyn

Anonymous said...

Hmm.......What do I think? I think as a friend , I accept you as you are unconditionally. I have often said sometimes , we don't understand ourselves why our heart chooses to fall in love with whom it does. Straight-Gay doesnt matter, your still a very spirited , loving woman to me. I'm not sitting in the judgement chair, nor do I think anyone else is qualified to. I long for a day when we no longer need to justify ourselves to others. (Hugs) Love Ya Indigo

Anonymous said...

I'm extremely proud of you for such a measured and thoughtful response.  I once heard a speaker say that 30% of Americans will always support gays, 30% will always hate us and think we are evil -- and 40% don't know what to think.  If we can educate and engage that 40% then we will make great advances.  It wasn't long after I heard this speaker (at a Unity church) that I started coming out to everybody.  

LOVE,
Russ

Anonymous said...

Wonderfully thought out and written entry.  Love is never wrong. OH, if all the world could be so minded...what a different place it would be.  Eden on earth I think!
Marie
http://journals.aol.co.uk/mariealicejoan/MariesMuses/

Anonymous said...

That got me a lump in my throat as I read this.... Your words were chosen well and from the heart. The only thing that troubled me was when I read that you had had problems in your past with people hating your sexuality.
I read down the comments and got to Stevies, it's not such an issue in the UK, I have NEVER in my life had any problems with being gay..... I love you for what you have written today, and funny as it may seem, you gave me a deeper insight into beng a Lesbian as up untill now, I had not actualy thought much about it.
Hugs Gaz xxxxx

Anonymous said...

Hi Teresa,
LOL..it dawned on me...duh...that since you wanted a tag with Cindy and you, you must be in a gay relationship.  Not a problem for me one bit.  Some of the Christian world may see it as sinful but then again everything in the Christian world is a sin so who is to differentiate between the degrees.  I believe that if we were born with our sexuality, then it was meant to be.  How does a God doom its own creation?  Anyway, your entry is wonderful.  I do understand the stigma you must face daily and am glad that you can stand up proudly.  HUGS  Chris

Anonymous said...

It's not an issue.
http://journals.aol.co.uk/acoward15/andy-the-bastard/